Learn from your parents mistakes, use birth control!
AMERICA-Love It Or Leave It!
For a small town, this one sure has a lot of assholes!
Stop Reading My Bumper Stickers and DRIVE!!
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be
amused.
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?
I've been dieting for the past month, but all I lost was 31 days!!
Nuke the unborn gay whales.
No prohibiting allowed!
Democrats=Beaureaucrats: STUPID
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!!!
RECYCLE YOUR ANIMALS
Against ABORTION, don't have one.
I'm against ABORTION because I was once a fetus.
Jerry's dead, Phish sucks, get a job.
Dewey,Skrewem, & Howe (attorneys at law)
I am represented by the Law Firm of Dewey, Chedum, and Howe.
DETEST-de stuff de teacher gives de students when ya expect it de least!!!
Men are like roses, watch out for all of the pricks.
No glove no love.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Beer: making woman look better since 1965.
A church alive is worth the surprise!!
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
The horn blows does the driver!
Man made beer, God made pot, you make the choice.
Can I pay my Visa with my MasterCard?
Scixelsyd Etinu (backward)
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Every silver lining has a cloud.
I wonder if you would drive better if that cell phone were up your ass.
Turn Signals: Not just for smart people anymore.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Honk if you love boy bands - then drive into a tree.
Your village called, their idiot is missing.
Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead.
All my drinking buddies, have a racing problem.
Fakov & Dai: Attorneys at Law
Have you bitch slapped an environmentalist today?
God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.
Stupidity should be punished.
I wish I were a glow worm a glow worm is never glum, because how could you be
unhappy when the sun shines out your bum?
Men are proof that women have a sense of humor.
Are you following Jesus this close?
Remember your unique, just like everyone else.
Housework makes women ugly.
Who's Your Daddy
My child was inmate of the month at the County Jail.
Impotence is God's way of saying "No hard feelings."
Every thing is on loan from the government until you can't pay your taxes.
Life is a lesson you'll learn it when your through.
"I should never have invented the electoral college." -Al Gore
I owe, I owe, off to work I go.
HONK IF YOU LOVE GORE (use the button on your steering wheel)
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
FLORIDA:
If you think we can't vote,
wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we vote then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56
states.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
If you smoke after s e x you’re doing it too fast.
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be org asmic.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
So you’re a feminist – isn’t that cute!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
If something goes without saying – LET IT!
I love animals – they taste great!
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If God intended us to be vegetarians, why did he make animals out of meat?
Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.
I’ve lost my phone number – can I have yours?
I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ!
Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
Friends don’t let friends drive naked!!
When there’s a will I want to be in it!
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
Always remember you’re unique – just like everyone else.
FLORIDA: Home of Electile Dysfunction
Florida: Retire, Relax and Revote
Florida: See what happens when you take Elian away
"If you think the car is dirty you should spend a night with the driver!"
VIAGRA!!!!!! The Dicker Picker Upper!!!
If you can read this sign you must be a Republican.
If the President calls, please get his name.
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?
What, are you stuck on stupid.
My other toy has tits.
Lord, please save me from your followers.
There are only three type of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who
can't.
If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...your aiming too high.
The road to hell is paved with democrats!
Don't Drink and Drive!
I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me!
VOTE BUSH / CHENEY
Why can't women learn to put the toilet seat back up?
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you are doing it the WRONG WAY !!
Behind every successful men there is a women, behind every unsuccessful men there are two.
If you're against logging, try wiping your ass with plastic.
Rehab is for quitters.
Fat chicks make my car scrape!
He who farts in church sits on his own pew.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Men are like outhouse's, always taken or full of shit!
If it ain't broke,fix it until it is
It takes a Viking to raze a village.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
Support yogurt, it's the only culture some people have.
If you can read this... I've lost my trailer!
I may be fat, but you're ugly - at least I can diet.
DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT!
I just filled up my car with gasoline..now its worth $50.00
FRIENDS DON`T LET FRIENDS VOTE DEMOCRAT
To you it's a six pack, to me it's a support group.
Hey idiot- You're driving a car, not a phone booth
S.C.A.R.Y. (Southern Citizens Advocating the Relocation of Yankees)
S.O.B.E.R. - Sick Of Banning Everyone's Rights
THINK before you ACT.
If we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.
More people I meet, more I like my dog....
(Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough.
Vegetarian: Indian word for BAD HUNTER!
It took 40 years to make me look this good.
I am overjoyed with whelm!
Condoms are easier to change than Diapers!
God made Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve.
Flies spread disease, keep yours closed!
You Have been a naughty boy, go to my room!
Don't miss heaven for the world.
I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.
Buy a gun, support the constitution.
Enjoy life it's not a dress rehearsal.
Be nice society already sucks.
Life's expensive, drive defensive.
My other auto is a 9MM.
Don't laugh, your daughter may be in back.
Where in the nursery rhyme does say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Madness takes it's toll, please have exact change.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished.
The Second Place Is The First Loser
Fat people are hard to kidnap.
Most Americans have Faith... You can tell by the Way They Drive
If you write "WASH ME" on my truck, I'll carve "RECESSITATE ME"
on your chest!!!
My IQ came back negative!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
If you can read this I have lost my caravan.
Hey dumb ass I bought my own car; not mommy and daddy!
my other ride is your mom
I am not speeding, I am qualifying.
Your honor student deals the best drugs.
huked on foniks werkd fer me
If Clinton is the answer, what was the question?
If the company's name is YELLOW, why are the trucks painted ORANGE?
"Stupid should hurt!"
Pol-I-Tics poli meaning many, ticks meaning small blood sucking parasites.
Don't f*** with my head and I won't think with my dick!
To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid.
Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are
horrendous.
Support publik edekasion
Honk if you haven't slept with Clinton!
Listen to the silence!!
So many cats.... So little time.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.
Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!
Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!
Great pages you've got here! More of this needed. Thanks from Finland, Northern Europe!
Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?
It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
Life's a bitch, and then you die.
Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.
Bill Clinton 99% Fact Free
Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that.
The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam.
Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Illiterate? Write for free help.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Beam me up Jesus.
Take me drunk, I' m home.
Life is like a straw, it sucks.
Don't delay, paint today
I drive like this to piss you off!
Unless You're A Hemorrhoid, STAY OFF MY ASS!
"It is Mind over Matter... If you ain't go no mind... It don't Matter" David
Werstiuk
Front bumper -Run, Hilary, Run!
I may be slow but I'm in front of you.
A clean car is a sign if sick mind.
Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit!!!!!
If at first you don't succeed skydiving aint for you.
You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.
I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?
If you can read this, THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!
WHAT PART OF "GET THE HELL OUTTA MY WAY" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
DANGER: I drive like you do!
Kids in the backseat cause accidents.... accidents in the backseat cause kids.
Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.
S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks
If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks your an ass hole.
visualize whirled peas
I don't drive fast I fly low
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
If you can read this you're in range.
The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your
actions.
It's not the size of the boat that matters, it's the motion in the ocean.
Save the planet recycle an environmentalist.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Study long study wrong.
Blow your nose, your horn works fine.
My karma ran over my dogma.
I tried being normal once. . .I didn't like it.
I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.
Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.
Minds are like parachutes--they only function when open.
I believe the internet is an information source, not a lifestyle choice.
Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they wouldn't shit on
stage.
Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.
Everything Is Somewhere.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...
Overpopulation... too much of a good thing.
If you feel attacked by feminism, it's probably a counter attack.
DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.
DARE to keep the CIA off drugs.
Honk if you love Rush.
Just say no to sex with pro-lifers.
Hang up and drive!
I love cats.....they taste just like chicken.
I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.
CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS.
If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!
The squeaky wheel is often replaced.
What part of http://www.getalife.com do you not
understand?
Only in America can a Vietnam Vet live in a cardboard box on the street and a draft dodger
live in the White House…
Smile and the world smiles with you, Fart and you stand alone.
Impeach President Clinton and her husband too.
O. U. 8. 1. 2.
Keep America clean...swallow your beer cans.
I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.
Smile.........show off your teeth.
Clean up America. Kill a redneck!
Where there's a will there's a BEER!
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my
ass.
House guarded by a shotgun 3 nights a week. You guess which?
Don't laugh it's paid for.
0-60 in 15 minutes!
I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!! This was better than any
diet I've ever been on.
I left the womb for this
My son can kick your son's honor student butt.
Jesus saves lives and them redeems them for valuable prizes.
I'm a member of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. Keep honking I'm reloading.
My wife said if I watch one more DAMN Indians game she is leaving. God I'll miss
her.
Save on gas, go fart in a jar.
The American Dream is a chicken in every pot. Why did we elect a chicken who smoked
pot?
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu??
I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
How's my driving? Dial 1-800-YOU-SUCK
If life hands you a lemon, stuff your bra with it.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
Earth first... We will strip the other planets later.
Jesus is coming... Look busy.
I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.
Don't let your Meatloaf
CAUTION: This car will be left behind during rapture.
YOU ARE HERE!
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you.
If you can read this, I am parked.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
D.A.M.M.- Drunks Against Mad Mothers
Clinton/Whore '96
Real Men Love Jesus!
God Bless Our Troops
Teen anti-drug program... Just say NO to Clinton/Gore
Clinton SUCKS
I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.
I do love the Bumper Stickers and Slogans Page.
Support a cause, Stop plate tectonics.
I have PMS and a hand gun. Any Questions??
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog!
I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Clinton... Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep!!
E. coli Happens
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the
passengers in his car....
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men, lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
No Radio - Already Stolen
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Few women admit their age, Few men act it!
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!
Which came first? The woman or the department store?
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering...
Don't come knocking if the car is rocking.
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.(09-13-96)
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?(09-13-96)
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.(09-13-96)
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.(09-13-96)
He who laughs last thinks slowest.(09-13-96)
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.(09-13-96)
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.(09-13-96)
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.(09-13-96)
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.(09-13-96)
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.(09-13-96)
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.(09-13-96)
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.(09-13-96)
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...(09-13-96)
The meek will internet the world.(09-12-96)
Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.(09-12-96)
Yes, In fact...my father does own this road.(09-12-96)
Practice safe government. Use kingdoms.(09-10-96)
Non Partisan. Non Republican.(09-09-96)
Time Circles: The Lord Creates The Universe Evolves The Lord
Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
My other car sticker is funny.
Gun control today, Total control tomorrow.
I'm only driving this way to piss you off.
Clinton 96, nothing is better than Dole.
Honk if I'm Jesus!
Have you seen Elvis? 1-800-GET-A-LIFE
Hey man, you live in America now....... speak Spanish!
It's time to pull over and let the air out of your brain.
Who died and made YOU Darth Vader? ( 08-14-96)
Buy a gun. Piss off the liberals ( 08-12-96; Jarod Patton)
Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my colt 45.
If you can do the time, you can do the crime. ( 08-11-96; Stefan Kendrew)
I'm so hungry I am farting fresh air.( 08-11-96; Terry Florence)
Gun control is a steady hand.( 08-11-96; Brian Garcia)
Honk if you are blond.( 08-11-96; Harry Ballsack :?)
The beatings will continue until employee morale improves. ( 07-25-96; John Bates)
My child is an honor student at the state penitentiary.( 07-13-96)
This is not an abandoned car.( 07-18-96; Billy May)
When life is bad...keep your head up, that way you don't see all the shit you've stepped
in.( 07-20-96; Tod Corder)
If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.( 07-09-96)
Nothing is impossible to the person that doesn't have to do it.( 06-27-96; Rodney Scott)
Save a tree, eat a beaver.( 06-23-96; William Knighton)
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
Horn Broke. Watch For Finger.
I'm an optimist, but I don't think it helps.
Mean people suck.
This vehicle insured by Smith and Wesson.
Pain is inevitable, misery is optional.
Kevorkian for Surgeon General
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
I'm objective; I object to everything.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
Life is a terminal disease.
Your lucky color has faded.
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
No matter where you go; you're there.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Conserve water - Shower with a friend
Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog---
Reality is a figment of your imagination.
Life is just one of those things.
Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
No matter where you go; you're there.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Happiness is Clinton's face on a milk carton
Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION
My child beat up your honor student
Clinton... Changing America
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
If it is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way of
debugging.
Everything is possible; just not too probable.
Change a life; make someone feel important.
Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest
son of a bitch in the valley.
In theory, everything works.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.
Repetition is always better the second time.
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
Death is the consequence of being alive.
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who
do.
Was today really necessary?
Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
It's been Monday all week.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
I'm surrounded by idiots!
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Why be normal?
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick.
It's a Macintosh; it's got an excuse.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems?
I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
I'm serious; it was a joke.
I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.
For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them.
You can't be late until you show up.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
I just love nonverbal communication!
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a truck.
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you.
Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.
They told me I was gullible .. then they took it out of the dictionary.
Look out! Behind you!
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
Never eat more than you can lift.
ID 10 T
2QUT4U
RUMADMF
IN DEBT
OICU812
6UL DV8
OIC OB1
ANEBR8TD
PUL OVR
URAQT
IXLR8
ICAQTNU
4U2NV
FAH-Q
(Front Bumper) YOT YM
(Front Bumper) 3M TA3
4NK8TR
CUNL 2
4PLAY
PERQL8
80OBS
WAZIT2U
INTMD8R
SNK-BITN
ruweird2
inou
ihere1st
muvore
License plate on student driver car: EEEEEK
TI-3VOM (Backwards - for front plate)
IB6UB9
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun (brrrrrrr)
but stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents
couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't
afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That
night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her
oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second
daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's
room and she couldn't hear anything. The next morning when the men left the
mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should
scream." "That's true." She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if
something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her
youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" The
youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with
my mouth full."
IDIOT SIGHTINGS
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport
employee asked “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”
I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded
knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”
Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked
if I knew what the buzzer was or. I explained that it signals to blind people when the
light is red. She responded, appalled, “What on earth are blind people doing
driving?”
Sighting #3:
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the
company due to “rightsizing,” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun.
We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We
just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn
on.
Sighting #5 (a rare “double sighting”)
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he
put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they’d take up less room. When
he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.
Sighting #6 (from Tech Support)
Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard
drive?” Individual: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and
she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
Sighting #7(from Tech Support)
Individual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the
screen? Individual: It’s asking for “Enter Your Last Name.” Tech Support:
Okay, so type in your last name. Individual: How do you spell that?
Sighting # 8
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s
side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered it was open. “Hey,” I announced to the technician,
“It's open!” “I know,” answered the young man. “I already got
that side.”
"Downsized" engineer seen standing on corner near Boeing/Seattle holding placard
reading:COLLEGE GRAD. WILL WEAR SUIT, SIT AT DESK AND BE ARROGANT FOR $40,000 A YEAR PLUS
BENEFITS.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, who's hanging on the wall? Art
When I die, I have requested that I am buried at a shopping mall. This way my daughters
will visit me everyday.
Did you hear about the six-seated light-aircraft that crash landed in a cemetery in
Ireland? So far they have recovered 1,686 bodies.
What is the difference between a rolling stone and a Scotsman? A rolling stone says,
"Hey you get off my cloud." And a Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud get off my
ewe." ( 12-30-96; Tree)
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.
But did you know that:
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only
please.
Route 666 - Highway of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666I - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
66.6" - Don't mess with the beast.
Is it ok to yell movie in a crowded fire house?(09-02-96; Brian Rueger)
Signs You're Addicted to the Internet
Wife calls you to dinner by posting to alt.food.
Choice between paying CompuServe bill and paying for kids education is easy -- if a little
painful for your kids.
Your big pickup line is, "Haven't we met on alt.top5.addict?"
Batteries in the TV remote now last for months.
You hire a housekeeper for your home page.
New mail alarm on your palmtop annoys other churchgoers.
Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
You unsuccessfully try to download a pizza from www.dominos.com.
You rig your toilet to alert you if you receive any new mail while you're
"offline."
...but the Number 1 Sign You're Addicted to the Internet is...
You're reading THIS, aren't you?
What Exactly Is Marriage??
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her
parents"
-Eric, AGE 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says
to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced,
but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering
what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out."
-Anita, AGE 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the
next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find
somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend
all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
-Bert, AGE 5
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but
their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out
about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what
kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, AGE 9
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her
own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees
you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for
a few hours."
-Kally, AGE 9
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan"
-Kirsten, AGE 10
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up
after them"
-Anita, AGE 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that
kind of trouble."
-Will, AGE 7
-source unknown
KIDS ANSWERS TO MARRIAGE
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like
if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips
and dip coming."- Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're
going to marry.God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with."- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then."- Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to
get married." - Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other
people."- Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids."- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids."- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to
get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -
Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and
that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." - Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all
the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." - Craig,
age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich."- Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want
to mess with that."- Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you
should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."-
Howard, 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one
thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out."
- Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not boys. Boys
need someone to clean up after them."- Anita, 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't
want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and
have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." - Kristen, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't
there?" - Kevin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing-the boys would come chasing
after us just the same as they do now."- Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot
of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on
it."- Lori, age 8
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks
like a truck."
-Original Source Unknown
Sorry no checks accepted. We trust you, it's the bank we do not trust. ( 08-11-96)
What does one blonde leg say to the other? I don't know they've never met!( 06-10-96;
Shadow Creeper?) What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad
golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!
If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come
out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom? EUROPEAN... of course!
Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in?
Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.
What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?... His butt!
How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose? 15.... 10 Little Piggies, 2 Calves,
an Ass, a bushy beaver and a slippery fish ( 05-03-96)
What did O.J. Simpson say after the trial? Can I have my gloves back now?
If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the opposite of PROGRESS?
You know it's a bad day when:
--the sun comes up in the west.
--you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
--the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
--you put both contact lenses in the same eye.
--your pet rock snaps at you.
--the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
--your income tax refund check bounces.
--you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
--Suicide Prevention puts you on hold.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? -Gifted!
A man and a lady having a good time in a bar; Both enjoying a good
drink. Somewhat later the man makes a move and tells the lady his watch is able to talk.
The lady, almost falling of her chair, shouts "yeah,yeah sure". No really he
says, listen! Her ear goes towards his wrist: "You're not wearing any panties"
is what she hears. Again shouting: "HA HA how sad, it has got it all wrong! Why, the
man asks. "Well", she says, "it mentions me having no panties on, but that
all wrong". "Oh damn", the man says, "it's one hour ahead again!"
The screen is green
Or so it seems
She sits aside
In her, I abide
She dresses black
I dress in slacks
Please to come
And now I go...
Now my mind is thinking slow...
-G.S.
One fine day in the middle of the night. Two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they
faced each other. Drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise
and came to shoot those two dead boys. "He's lying," said the dumb man. "I
saw it," said the blind man. And the man with no legs walked away.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Some poems rhyme...Johnny was a chemist, but Johnny is no
more. What Johnny thought was H2O was H2O4.( 01-05-97)
Yesterday upon the stair I saw a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today. I
think he is with the CIA. ( 08-11-96; Caprice)
Roses are red, violets are blue, leave a poem, something new!
Don't start vast projects with half vast ideas.
-Desk sign on a Lt Generals desk
"I should never have invented the electoral college."
-- Al Gore
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never
forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
-- Barbara Bush
"Dead birds do not fall out of cages"
--Sir Winston Churchill, when told his Fly was down
"It all depends on what your definition of the word 'is' is."
- William Jefferson Clinton
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
Sex is like snow. You never know how many inches you're gonna get or how long it will
last. - Anonymous
We had quicksand in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually.
-Steven Wright
"It's no exaggeration that the undecideds could go one way or another." -Ronald
Reagan
Face your fears, live your dreams.
Men are like fine wine... and it's a woman's job to pick them as grapes, stomp on them and
thrown them into a dark cellar until they mature enough to be something you'd like to have
dinner with.
Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become
actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny. Frank Outlaw
Never ruin an apology with an excuse.
Gossip is just news running ahead of itself in a red satin dress.( 12-16-96; Nick Stage)
Never ruin an apology with an excuse.( 12-16-96; Nick Stage)
Smile and the world smiles with you, fart and you stand alone.( 08-07-96; Kelly Carter)
I can't be conceited because conceit is an imperfection and I am perfect.( 08-25-96)
Life's a bitch. Then you marry one. Then you get divorced. Then you live happily ever
after.( 08-11-96; Doug Greene)
I used to be indecisive, but now I am not sure.( 08-11-96)
If it ain't broken, don't fix it.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Life is tough and then you die.
If you are going to do it, do it right!
Youth is wasted on the young.
A journey without any obstacles usually leads nowhere.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
If you don't know where you are going you will probably end up somewhere else.
Love isn't love until you give it away.
It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.
Life is wasted on the living.
